25 Things You Might Not Know About Reality (Not Me)

by Jonathan Dean

1. It's not that there is or there isn't a God. It's that even if there
were a God, he would be unable or unwilling to help or intervene in any
way. He created us and then forgot about us. Or worse, he created us,
was disgusted, and moved on. Or he's dead. Either way, it's best not to
spend time thinking about it.

2. Next time someone regales you with a long diatribe about the evils
of capitalism, ask them to propose a better system. If they can't do
it, they are stupid. Any deluded neo-Marxist or wing nut
anarcho-syndicalist worth their salt should be able to immediately cite
the potlatch or "gift economy," or anarchist pirate states as a
counter-example without even getting into the whole communist argument.
But remember this: all of these utopian schemes depend upon basic
assumptions about morality and human nature that are completely
untenable.

3. Here are those assumptions: 1) That an ideal society has something
to do with creating the most favorable situation for the greatest
amount of people. 2) That politics and economics have the power to
create a morally equitable situation for anyone. 3) That pain,
discomfort, inequality, slavery, genocide, disease and unhappiness can
or should be vanquished from the world.

4. Quit saying "mind and body." Your mind is your body, and your body
is your mind. You can't separate them, and trying to conceive them as
separate entities leads to all kinds of stupid ideas about reality.

5. Same with "spirit and flesh" or "noumenal and phenomenal." Retarded
distinctions invented by people with an agenda. The only reason to
believe that there is a spiritual world and a material world is so that
one can be privileged while the other is degraded.

6. Starting to get the picture? People privilege the mind in order to
denigrate the body, they elevate the spiritual in order to mortify the
flesh. All stupid ideas that have caused a lot of problems in this
world. Still, as I said above, it really can't be any other way. So get
used to these stupid ideas: they will keep recurring endlessly.

7. Conspiracy theorists get one thing right: everything is connected.
However, they make a fatal mistake by assuming that some particular
person, group or entity is pulling the strings. Sure, there is a
conspiracy, but it's an unconscious conspiracy: a conspiracy of the
stupid, vain, greedy, power-hungry and lazy. In any situation, one or a
combination of these motivations can provide 100% of the explanation
for all actions that seem to be secretly coordinated.

8. Magic(k) does exist. But it's not what you think. It has a lot more
to do with changing your own perceptual apparatus than changing
reality. If you screw up your head enough, the impossible becomes
possible. Disappointed? Clearly, the wizard business is not for you.

9. There is no "gay gene."

10. Why is everyone looking for a "gay gene"? Because it is politically
expedient to claim that homosexuality is genetic, like race or gender.
If it's not a choice, then gays should be a protected minority.

11. The problem here is the same problem presented by every other
binary. People think that it's either genetic or it's a choice.
Millions of gay people don't remember choosing. Therefore, it must be
genetic. This is a false binary. What if it is a choice, but a "forced
choice"? What if it's a choice, but one so contingent and unconscious
as to be virtually unknowable as a choice? Isn't this at least
possible? And please, let's not rehash the whole "everyone's bisexual,
really" cliché. If that is actually true, I don't want to know.

12. This brings up the whole "nature vs. nurture" thing, which is
another annoying argument based on false binaries. It's not one or the
other. It's not both. It's not neither. It's more complex than that.

13. Every time someone tells you that one thing is "the same" as
something else, point out the ways in which it is different. Focus less
on sameness and identity, and more on difference and complexity. Try
not to be reductive in your outlook, and see how it changes the picture
of what you thought were certainties about your reality.

14. Sure, reality is "mediated" by language. OK, you can't really "see"
objective truth; you can only see using your senses, and you can only
think in a predetermined language with meanings assigned arbitrarily
before you were even born. Sure, culture is a determining factor in
many (or most) issues we face. Sure, even quantum physics has
determined that a great deal of what we see is determined by what tool
we use to observe. And yeah, I guess you could use this to demonstrate
that we "make our own reality" or something like that (see films like
"What the Bleep Do We Know" or a lot of trendy New Age belief systems).
Fine. However, none of this should suggest to us that "there is no
reality" or that "we can't talk about reality" or anything like that.
That is pure solipsism; naive unrealism, as it were. Of course there's
a fucking reality. If anyone tries to tell you there isn't a reality,
they are trying to sell you something. And it might be Amway.

15. What can you do with the information in #13 and 14? Use this
knowledge to cut through the preponderance of bullshit arguments
getting volleyed around these days by people who might seem smart until
you really think about what they are saying. Arguments claiming moral
equivalence. Any time someone says "this kind of thinking leads to the
holocaust" or "that's what Hitler thought, too" or something like that.
Any time someone attempts to settle an argument by claiming both sides
are "equally valid" or similar bullshit. Any time someone informs you
that the DMT elves revealed to them that the human race was seeded by a
race of intelligent gaseous jellyfish from the Horsehead Nebula who
want us to learn to Love One Another (TM). They are all full of shit
and need to report to cult deprogramming immediately.

16. There is a relatively uncontroversial way of testing out bizarre
ethical injunctions or moral precepts, or even statements about reality
or identity. Try them on like you would a thrift store suit that wasn't
tailored for you. Walk around, see if the sleeves ride up or if the
pant legs end up under your shoes. In short, see if accepting this kind
of statement does anything for you. Does it increase your perception in
some areas or foreclose perception in others? Has it increased or
expanded your capacity to affect and be affected?

17. Drugs will expand your mind. But only some drugs. I have a list.

18. Even when completely alone, most act as if they are being watched
nearly all of the time. How could I possibly know such a thing? It's
simple: I've been watching them.

19. It is impossible to "be yourself," so stop trying. The very notion
is absurd, as even a rudimentary consideration will reveal.

20. It is, in fact, impossible to BE anything. No being, only becoming. This is not quite as dipshit as it sounds.

21. A lot of people will tell you that there is no good art or bad art;
it's all subjective. When you ask those people why so many discerning
people seem to agree on the greatness or terribleness of certain works
of art and certain artists, some will reply that this strange
convergence of opinion is clearly based on cultural assumptions or
institutional politics or canonicity or racism or sexism or cultural
imperialism or all of the above. I know from experience that these
kinds of people like being urinated on during sex.

22. Neoconservatives experience constant abdominal and rectal peristalsis.

23. Christians have sex less often than atheists, but when they do have sex, they take off more of their clothes.

24. The egg came first.

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